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Started by Kira Dwenna, December 06, 2005, 05:02:51 AM
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Quote from: dragynComments? Yeah. That's...interesting. Living way up in north Idaho, most fantasy never makes it to where I am. If that's unoriginal, I definitely haven't read it's predecessor. Anyway, enough rambling. The story is good, so far. I liked the last paragraphs, though I am thoroughly confused as to what was going on. I am always confused, so it's likely not you, though. The conversations were, as you said, a bit broken, though I could follow it easy enough.My main complaint here is gonna' have to be the absolute lack of spaces between paragraphs. More often than not, they make it easier to read. Yeah, good story. I generally have to read something two or three times before I catch most of the problems, so I'll probabaly say more later.Also, Peanut gallery?
Quote from: XepherWell, after that rant about how I have no time to read/write anymore, it seemed stupid to me that I didn't. So I made some.On the story. First off, is it chapter one or two? If it's two, why did you never post chapter one? (Prologues don't count as chapters... heck, they often don't even count as page numbers.) The use of present tense is very strange, and I only found one part where you slipped up and did past. However, the use of an "abnormal" form like that usually shouldn't be attempted without a specific reason or purpose in mind. I confess I've yet to see one here, but that could be revealed later.I note you have an excellant grasp of diction, keeping the words both varied and appropriate... mostly. There were a couple points where I think you fell out of step and kludged together a sentence or two. But those occasional quagmires aside, the prose flowed rather well. I think that dialogue is, as you noted, one of the weak points. I notice two things that are likely the source of this. First off, the character you've chosen for erik (the viking?) doesn't seem to be worked out well. Now, I could be wrong, but you don't seem to sure of who he is and how he should act/talk. As such, you have him asking rather intelligent things one moment, and then really stupidly phrased things the next. So one moment Tam is having to answer a valid question, and the next he seems nearly patronizing. The general IQ of the conversation is all over the place and that makes the whole conversation rather jerky. The other thing that's hurting the dialogue is that you've got too much of it. You started a conversation, and tried to make it realistic, and explain everything via dialogue. Problem is, this doesn't work so well in books. If you have a principal you're trying to get across (like the idea that roleplaying a "character" is something done in normal life as well) you need to show it, and not just directly explain it. It's the classic example of the stupid character in a movie, who's only job is to ask stupid questions as an excuse to explain everything to the audiance. Yeah, it works for hollywood, but I would hope someone who aspires to writing would have higher standards than hollywood. :-)Overall, not too bad. It's a bit shaky there at the start, and I worry you might be making Erik too flat/cliche of a character (total slob and video game addict) but the descriptions are good, and the flow works, and the premise shows potential. BTW, have you ever read "American Gods" by Neil Gaiman?
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