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Short Story: In the Devil's Mind

Started by ren_pii, December 20, 2006, 12:51:00 AM

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This is a story I made for writing class. Not the best story in the world, but I had to do it. Tell me what you think of it. Please note that I'm not a professional at writing... so please don't flame me or anything if you think the story sucks... >_<

QuoteIn the Devil’s Mind

“Where were you last night?"  The female nurse faced the young male doctor who stood before her. “You were going to check up on that young girl, remember?"

“Ahh… yes… I forgot…" His crystal blue eyes turned away from her, ashamed to admit he hadn’t shown up because he had taken a bit of a break outside to have a smoke. He flicked his coal black hair, with his pale hands sheltered in the pockets of his white lab coat. “I suppose I’ll have to go and see her right now, then?" The mysterious doctor walked away before the nurse could answer.

It was a quiet and deadly silent hallway. Only the sounds of his echoing footsteps were heard. The walls, the tiled floor, the doors, were all white. There were no windows anywhere. Such a lonely atmosphere, he thought. Rarely any people came or knew of this part of the hospital since it was a desolated area where only special-case patients were treated. Finally, at the end of the hallway, he reached a door that had a strange aura emerging from the inside. Turning the brass knob, he opened the door to a room for 6 patients, but only one occupant inhabited it.

By the window was a bed with a young girl playing with her dolls on it. She had long black hair that matched the doctor’s, and a pretty left eye that resembled his own. Her right eye was covered with a white eye patch with a picture of a blue bunny on it. She was childish for her age, liked to wear her hair in pigtails, and was attracted to collecting dolls. So far her collection consisted of 52 dolls. She was like a porcelain doll, dainty and fragile like glass. The 8 year old turned around, and smiled at him. The doctor approached her slowly with an expressionless face.

“Doctor Juros!" Jumping off the bed, she gave him a quick hug.

“How are you feeling today, Aki?"

“I’m not Aki, it’s Aya!" She smiled mischievously, holding him tighter. “Aki doesn’t want to come out right now. But I’m fine, now that you’re here! So you’re going to play with me because you promised, right?"

“Aya, I heard that you were a bit feverish last night, are you ok now?" He brushed aside her bangs, and felt the temperature of her pale forehead. Not was warm as yesterday, he thought.

“Please doctor! Play with me!" She pleaded him, tugging on his white coat.

“Where’s your mother? Did she come visit you?"

“No… she never does."  She held on to his coat, her head stayed low as if glued to the ground.
He felt a bit anxious at that response. He knew more about her than she did. The truth, he couldn’t tell her the truth. It would not only affect her, but his life, and his family’s life. Unable to respond, he looked at the door, wishing and hoping someone would open the door. Then he heard his name being paged on the PA system and used it as an excuse to leave the situation. He exited the room, leaving the agitated little girl alone in the room.

The secret that was kept from her, he knew it. If he were to tell her, her condition would become worst. She had suffered a lot already. Endless nights, her dreams interrupted by delusions and hallucinations. At her age, she already knew of the cruelty and selfishness of the world. Love was a word that had never been in her vocabulary. She thought the word was only existed in fairy tales. Every human was foolish and greedy, she thought. It saddened her deeply. Her mother hadn’t cared for her because she was too different, as if she wasn’t even human. She had thought that for a long time. The girl never knew her father. He was a mystery to her. So she attempted to replace him. But Juros knew who he was.

It was late that rainy Sunday night, not even the sound of the Mozart’s Symphony No. 40 could calm her down. The young girl had been rudely interrupted in her sleep by a nurse who was trying to give her an injection to ease the pain. The bunny eye patch shifted to her left eye, revealing an emerald-coloured eye in its place. Aki had woken up. Pissed off, she grabbed the nearest object to her: a copy of Shakespeare’s “A Midsummer Night’s Dream" and smacked it against her face. With a few moments distracted, Aki took that chance to grab the drug-filled syringe and easily injected it into the nurse’s right thigh. She let out a small wince of pain before passing out with foam started erupting from her mouth. Aki giggled mischievously at the sight of her.

“So that’s what you were trying to do, huh?" She crackled, kicking the fallen nurse. She switched her eye patch to the right.

“Aki, why’d you do that?" Aya said angerly. She placed one hand on her hip as the other switched the eye patch back to the left.

“She tried to kill us. Just like mommy did, remember?" Again, Aki changed the eye patch to the right.

“No! I don’t want to remember!" Aya put her hands on her head, as warm, stinging tears fell from her eyes. She collapsed to the cold ground and lay next to the dying nurse. It seemed as if the dosage was a tad too strong that it was enough to kill. The nurse wasn’t found until a couple hours later but it was too late. Several people came in to take away the body, leaving Doctor Juros to take care of the unconscious Aya.

She seemed to be in no physical harm, but mentally it seemed as if her condition had gotten worst. Nightmarish memories of her mother hitting her, to the point of knocking her out flashed back to her. Then she remembered when her mother had tried to kill her. How could anyone kill their own child? Although, she was in a coma, the tears never stopped flowing from her blue eye.

Doctor Juros gently rubbed her soft porcelain face, wiping away the tears from her eyes. “If Father wasn’t so irresponsible, you wouldn’t have to live like this…" He whispered softly. My poor baby half-sister, he thought. He remembered his father had gotten himself into an affair with another woman and never told his mother about it. To this day, she still didn’t know. He had kept that secret so well hidden from her. When Juros became a doctor, he swore to his father that’d he would care for his sister, even though they did not share the same mother. He never told her that he was her older brother. Aya’s mother worked at the local bar and never came home to care for her newborn child. She hated her own daughter and wished she never gave birth to her. Juros pitied his half-sister because of her abusive and unstable mother. Being an unloved child all her life, half of her wanted to be in mother’s life, but her other self wished she had never been born from an unfit mother. Eventually, the young girl became sick, and spent most her days in the hospital. In her mind, she was confused and indecisive.

She became two people: Aya and Aki. Aya was the old her, gentle, kind and playful. Aki was the new her that stayed dormant until she couldn’t take it anymore. Aki wasn’t sweet and playful like Aya. She was sadistic and did many cruel and mischievous things. She loved the darkness while Aya loved being in the light. She often conversed with herself openly, switching the bunny eye patch back and forth to distinguish which one was dormant.

“Remarkable…" Juros whispered as he stared at a photo of Aya when she was a baby. “She has one green and one blue eye." It was rare, for someone to be born with two different coloured eyes, he thought. He placed the photo back on the side table as he yawned and glanced at the time.  10:45 PM, it read. He laid his arms on the bedside and rested his head on them. It was going to be a long night.


Definitely imaginative.
It could use some redwriting... it seems as if it were written in a hurry, and the writer didn't have the time to go back and see if everything flowed smoothly, or if it made sense.
But the main picture was intriguing, and different. Original, and with interesting details.

Though, where it breaks doesn't really make any sense at all...
Here, I think there should be more information on how the story leads up to the moment described in the second paragraph:
Quote... as if she wasn't even human. She had thought that for a long time. The girl never knew her father. He was a mystery to her. So she attempted to replace him. But Juros knew who he was.

It was late that rainy Sunday night, not even the sound of the Mozart's Symphony No. 40 could calm her down. The young girl had been rudely interrupted in her sleep by a nurse who was trying to give her an injection to ease the pain. The bunny eye patch shifted to her left eye, revealing an emerald-coloured eye in its place.

You don't mind the suggestions, do you?

My only other complaint is the cursing... I suppose, though, that cursing is just one of those things that depends on the individual, as to whether it's okay or not...

O.o ?


uhhh, really need to check the dates on these topics before you post....

this one in particular is almost a year old, and the other you posted in on this forum was from way back in 2005.
I don't hate everyone, I'm just very, very disappointed in them.


Yeah... sorry. :(
It's just that, I wanted to read that story, and couldn't... and I didn't think that it'd be bad to want to do that, no matter it's age... and this one, nobody replied to...
Sorry, won't do it anymore. :(
O.o ?


No, it's alright to revive old threads if you really want to, just as long as you aware of how old it is and don't expect a response. Often the author is long gone for things like this.