Content > Writing

Short Story: In the Devil's Mind

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ren_pii:
This is a story I made for writing class. Not the best story in the world, but I had to do it. Tell me what you think of it. Please note that I'm not a professional at writing... so please don't flame me or anything if you think the story sucks... >_

Fayth:
Definitely imaginative.
It could use some redwriting... it seems as if it were written in a hurry, and the writer didn't have the time to go back and see if everything flowed smoothly, or if it made sense.
But the main picture was intriguing, and different. Original, and with interesting details.

Though, where it breaks doesn't really make any sense at all...
Here, I think there should be more information on how the story leads up to the moment described in the second paragraph:

--- Quote ---... as if she wasn't even human. She had thought that for a long time. The girl never knew her father. He was a mystery to her. So she attempted to replace him. But Juros knew who he was.

It was late that rainy Sunday night, not even the sound of the Mozart's Symphony No. 40 could calm her down. The young girl had been rudely interrupted in her sleep by a nurse who was trying to give her an injection to ease the pain. The bunny eye patch shifted to her left eye, revealing an emerald-coloured eye in its place.
--- End quote ---

You don't mind the suggestions, do you?

My only other complaint is the cursing... I suppose, though, that cursing is just one of those things that depends on the individual, as to whether it's okay or not...

tickyhead:
uhhh, fayth...you really need to check the dates on these topics before you post....

this one in particular is almost a year old, and the other you posted in on this forum was from way back in 2005.

Fayth:
Yeah... sorry. :(
It's just that, I wanted to read that story, and couldn't... and I didn't think that it'd be bad to want to do that, no matter it's age... and this one, nobody replied to...
Sorry, won't do it anymore. :(

Xepher:
No, it's alright to revive old threads if you really want to, just as long as you aware of how old it is and don't expect a response. Often the author is long gone for things like this.

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