Baby - Lon , The Manga & Novel in Manga Format

[Nabolion]

hey folks i'm new here and love this idea and all.. i'm starting my own manga and i'm working hard on it right now and I really need you to review it, rate it, post comments on my blog or just spread the word.. Thank you in Advance.
( below is a little summary )

" In a world that's not meant for the weak, where no man can look back, only the strong can survive. A young orphan named Aslan, spent his childhood training under his Grandfather when he discovers a mysterious hidden power within him, a power with limitless speed, power, and ability. Now his target and goal is to avenge his family blood through living in the shadows of the planet Baby - Lon. "

I've posted the first chapter in my blog already.. so Please have a look and tell me what you think.

http://nabolion.blogspot.com/

[otrstf]

every sentence ends!
with an exclamation point!!
almost?

I'll say up front I don't read much manga; I tend to blast through short bursts of dialog so fast that I don't stick around to appreciate the artwork.  So far, the plot seems a predictable one, and I visualize entirely different characters whenever I see the names Aslan and Sargon.  I encourage your effort, but maybe a little more work on plot and description are needed.

[Nabolion]

hello everyone.. i've rewritten chapter 2 in manga format and believe it.. it took me a hell of a time to do it. Anyway please read it and let me know what you think as i always like reviews so i know what i'm doing.

Baby - Lon: Chapter 2 - Lost and Found

Page 1

Panel 1: Aslan is standing over the corpses of his family. He's standing outside in the rain shaking and wetting his pants.

Aslan: Dad! Mum! Sister!
Why are you all lying down?
Wake up everyone, come on. Mother! Father! Sister!

Panel 2: Aslan comes in tears, mouth big open and he's speechless. His eyes can't believe what it's seeing.

Panel 3: Aslan family are all lying down in the grass. His father, mother and sister are all next to each other holding hands and they're all covered in blood.

Panel 4: Aslan walks closer to see them, he walks very slowly. His eyes and mouth are both shocked that they seem to be falling.

Panel 5: He reaches them and drops to his knees.

Page 2

Panel 1: He put his hands on all of them and they become full of blood.

Panel 2: He put his hands on his face and covered it by the blood.

Panel 3-4: Aslan family are all dead, he starts crying and shouting out loud.

Aslan: No.. Noo.. Nooooooooo...!!!

Panel 5: Sargon shows up.

Page 3

Panel 1-2: Sargon is standing in front of Aslan. He's tall, massive big and has long hair. He's wearing a white long coat with three skulls in the middle and he looks very scary. His eyes are medium sized and are pure black. Sargon is going to play a bigger role as the story goes on.

Sargon: Yeah! Blood! Blood!! Isn't nice?

Panel 3: Aslan looks up to Sargon. Aslan is very surprised as to who this big guy is. Aslan gets very scared and his body begins to shake like an earthquake.

Aslan: Why!

Panel 4: Sargon is ignoring Aslan and is looking up in the sky while one eye ( his right eye ) is looking down at Aslan.

Sargon: ...!!

Panel 5: Aslan is very surprised and and for a minute he closes his eyes.

Aslan: Why! What the hell did you do to them?

Sargon: Huuh..!!
Nothing..!!

Page 4

Panel 1: Again Aslan is very surprised and opens his eyes wide open.

Aslan: Nothing!!

Panel 2: Sargon looks down at Aslan with a smurk.

Sargon: I just played with them..!!

Aslan: Just played with them, you say..!!

Panel 3: Sargon looks down and smiles.

Sargon: Uhmm.. yeah!
That's what i just said!

Panel 4: Aslan stretches his left arm which is full of blood and points his finger at Sargon.

Aslan: Don't screw with me, you monster..!!

Sargon: monster!! ha ha haaa.. very funny u know..!!

Page 5

Panel 1: Sargon is laughing while Aslan stretches his right arm and points his fist at Sargon.

Aslan: Stop screwing with me you damn monster.. i said why the hell did you kill my family?

Panel 2: Sargon face expression is all of a sudden serious and points his middle finger straight at Aslan face.

Sargon: I just wanted to play with them.. but they didn't want to play..!!

Aslan: ...!!

Panel 3: Sargon opens his both hands and smiles and he looks at the family bodies who are lying down on the grass.

Sargon: So.. i stopped playing..as.. you.. can.. see..!!

Panel 4: Aslan is shocked and his tears are falling a little. Sargon looks at the sky again and this time with a smile while Aslan is wondering and staring at him.

Aslan: And for what reason?

Panel 5-6: All of a sudden we see something unexpected. The picture gets all black with white shining small objects. It's the Universe, the planet Earth and those white shining small objects looking like diamonds are the Stars. There's an another planet opposite the planet Earth, it's very far away and it looks all black filled with darkness and there's no other planets except the moon and the sun.

Page 6

Panel 1: Back to the planet Earth, Sargon looks down and puts a smurk on his face and looks straight at Aslan.

Sargon: ...!!
This planet is really boring..! don't you think so..!!

Panel 2: Aslan looks at his mother, father and his little sister. He smiles while looking at them and tears are dropping down from his eyes to his family.

Aslan: So it's because this planet was boring..hu..!!

Panel 3: Finally, Aslan starts to get up while his face is facing the ground. Sargon looks at him while he's getting up and smiles. Sargon stretches his left arm as if he's calling Aslan.

Sargon: Why don't you come with me, boy..!!!

Panel 4: Aslan lift his face which is facing the ground and his eyes are dead serious. Aslan is angry and he's biting his teeth.

Aslan: SHUT UUUUUPP...!!!
What do you know about me..hu..!!
You killed my parents, my little sister!
And now you want me to go with you..!!

Panel 5: Sargon smiles and points his finger at Aslan.

Sargon: Oh my, Oh my, you don't understand?
I know a lot about you, boy!
I've been watching you before.. you.. were.. even.. born..!!!
Just like I know your name..!!
Right Aslan..!!

Page 7

Panel 1: Aslan begins to stare at Sargon face while he's confused. He's doesn't understand anything likely because he's still shocked from his family death whom are lying down dead in front of him.

Aslan: I SAID.. SHUT UUUUUUUUUUPPP...!!
I'M.. GOING.. TO.. KILL.. YOUUU..!!

Panel 2: Sargon starts to laugh out loud and pops his eyes out to Aslan. His eyes looks very scary while Aslan is looking more serious and is looking straight at Sargon eyes.

Sargon: Kill Me..!!

Panel 3: Sargon face changed to a scary type. He looks at Aslan while bringing his right and left hands and puts them on his chest.

Sargon: That's right boy..! Scream..!!
Bring out your anger!.. your hate!
And one day when you think you're strong enough..!!
Come and look for me.. if.. you.. really.. DARE..!!

Panel 4-5: Daichi is flying, however we don't see his face and he looks old.

Daichi: Please.. let me make it in time..!!

Page 8

Panel 1: Back to Sargon, he looks to his right and notices a very strong aura coming fast.

Panel 2: He smiles and looks at Aslan.

Sargon: And if you do come.. then.. don't.. forget.. to.. bring.. your.. true.. power..!!

Panel 3: Sargon looks like he's lifting his foots from the ground like he's ready to take off. He's flying from the ground bit by bit like how a rockes takes off.

Panel 4: Aslan is surprised and lifts his face higher and looks up to him.

Aslan: WAAAAAITT...!!
Where am i going to find you?
At least tell me your name, god damn it...!!

Panel 5: Sargon is already taking off and he's disappearing slowly.

Sargon: You'll find out sooner or later...!!

Panel 6: Sargon disappeared. Aslan is shocked and points his hands towards him.

Aslan: NOOOO... WAAAAAITT.. DAMN YOOOUU...!!

Page 9

Panel 1: Aslan drops to his knees and is crying out loud.

Panel 2: The heavily rain finally stopped.

Panel 3: The sky is becoming clear.

Panel 4: The sun shines.

Panel 5-6: Daichi is flying and looks down and notices Aslan.

Page 10

Panel 1-2: Daichi finally comes down. He's standing behind Aslan. Daichi looks very old and his body is all muscled and well build. His appearance isn't scary, his eyes are small and pure green. Daichi hair is short, spiky and has long beard. Daichi is wearing a black long coat with the picture of a Lion on the back. Daichi is going to play a bigger role as the story goes on.

Panel 3: Aslan notices someone behind him and is very scared and don't want to look back.

Aslan: Hmmmpphh..!!

Panel 4: Aslan looks back and half way through with his right eye he sees and realises who's the one standing behind him.

Aslan: Grand Pa..!!

Panel 5: Daichi is the grand father of Aslan, however we don't know yet why he's late or why he isn't living with his family. Aslan is very surprised to see Daichi like he never seen him before and at the same time very happy.

Daichi: Shit!!
I.. Was.. Late.. Again..!!

Page 11

Panel 1: Daichi looks up in the sky and stares at it for a minute.

Panel 2: He looks at the family dead bodies including Aslan mother which is Daichi daughter.

Panel 3: Aslan smiles and looks at Daichi and is very happy to see him.

Aslan: Grand Pa.. they're.. all.. dead...!!

Panel 4: Daichi looks at Aslan with a very sad and at the same time a serious face.

Daichi: I know son.. I know..!!

Panel 5-6: Daichi goes and picks the bodies and Aslan helps him. They both are standing at their family respectives graves. They buried them in their house back garden where they were killed by Sargon.

Page 12

Panel 1-2: Aslan is in tears and hugs Daichi. Daichi looked at him with a face expression of sadness and sorrowness.

Panel 3: All of a sudden Daichi face becomes very serious and scary.

Daichi: Son..!!
Go and pack your stuff..!!
We're leaving this place..!!

Panel 4: Aslan looks at Daichi and is very surprised of what he just heard.

Aslan: .....!!!
Leaving..!!
Why..!!

Daichi: I'll tell you later..!!

Aslan: But.. Where are we going?
And when are we coming back?

Panel 5: Aslan is still very surprised and confused. Daichi gets a bit annoyed.

Daichi: I said I'll tell you all about it later on..!!
Now.. I need you to go and pack everything you have..!!
We don't have much.. time.. to.. waste.. here...!!

Aslan: Daichi.. you know you're really scaring me now..!!

Page 13

Panel 1: Aslan is scared and confused as he have to rush as what Daichi just told him.

Daichi: Son..!
I'm sorry..!
Just listen to me..!
OK..!!

Aslan: OK!

Panel 2: Aslan is more relieved now and he rushes to the stairs.

Panel 3: Daichi takes a look around the house.

Panel 4: Daichi notices something on the ground.

Panel 5-6: Daichi picks the object from the ground and looks at it and mainly he smiles at it.

Daichi: I'm sorry..!!
I quess I'm going to have to break the promise...!!

Page 14

Panel 1: Daichi is still looking at it with a smurk. It's a picture showing his daughter, Aslan father, his grand daughter, Aslan and him.

Panel 2: Aslan comes down from the stairs with a bag on his right hand.

Panel 3: Daichi looks at Aslan and smiles.

Daichi: Aslan..!!
Here.. take.. this.. with.. you..!!

Panel 4: Aslan picks the picture from Daichi.

Panel 5-6: Aslan looks at the picture and his whole face expression changed dramatically.

Daichi: I suppose you'll need it..!!
Let's have a minute of silence..!!

Page 15

Panel 1: Daichi and Aslan are both standing opposite each other.

Panel 2: Their faces are facing the ground and their eyes are closed.

Daichi: You're ready.. son..!!

Panel 3: Aslan looks relieved and his face became serious.

Aslan: I'm ready..!!

Panel 4-5: Daichi goes to the door and looks back at Aslan and smiles.

Daichi: Good..!!
Because.. We're..
Leaving..
This..
Place..
For..
EVER...!!!

" The End "

" Stay tuned for next week chapter to find out what'll happen "

[pigeon-wing]

The mix between Japanese, Assyrian, and Turkish names confuses me, and, like otrstf said, Aslan and Sargon are already well-established characters; you might as well name your protagonist Batman. I think you're better off tweaking the names so that they better mesh with your fantasy setting and don't remind the reader of talking lions.

The Room of Space and Time sounds interesting, but the concept confuses me a little when it concerns Aslan's training. I don't see how he can benefit from only 10 days of training. Maybe if you made it so that 10 Earth years = 100 Space/Time years?

Your art is good, but your writing needs a lot of work, so I suggest you consider doing only a manga adaptation. Good luck! :)

[tickyhead]

I have to agree with pigeon and otr....

First off, the dialogue is....well, just as ortsft...otrsf...I'm just gonna keep calling you otr, okie dokie? Anyway, as otr said, pretty much every single sentence has at least one exclamation point. Most of them have two. I know mangas are all about intensity! And energy!! but I think it's a little too imposing. The dialogue, and the story, are also very cliche, no offense. The whole "young child with happy family is orphaned when said family is brutally killed, and he eventually turns into a powerful warrior because of it" shtick has been done to death. Now that would be okay, if the story was interesting, or the characters where intriguing, or even the setting was new and engaging. But as it is, it doesn't seem to be breaking any new ground. What have you added to that plot line that makes it special, or different?

And the names, as has already been covered, are already well-known, and sort of...you know...someone else's. I won't bother going into that too much, but I would highly recommend spending that extra five minutes making up a few character names that aren't so well known. It's not that hard, honest.

Also, the only part of this that is actually "manga" (so far) is the picture you use as a header...I know you're trying to hammer out the script first (which, as I said, is a little predictable and not all that inventive...again, no offense) but I'm kind of confused...is it the manga, or the the novel-in-manga-format that you're actually trying to do? If it's the latter, why not just, I don't know, write a novel? If it's the former, then why also call it a novel, when it seems to be just a script?

As an end note that really has nothing to do with critiquing your work, I am wondering if the picture you've used as your header is actually yours. I'm not accusing you of anything, don't get me wrong, but I've seen many aspiring novelists on the web use someone else's artwork to sort of "sell" their writing. If it is, indeed, going to someday be a real manga, maybe you could also show things like character designs in your posts? (You do have those, right? Since you're so adamant about making a script, you should be equally involved in the actual drawing of your characters, right?)

Anyway, there's my two cents. Mayhaps if you tweaked the story a bit, changed the character names, and used some decent grammar and a punctuation mark that wasn't an exclamation point, it could be an interesting read. As it is, though...well, no offense (again), but it isn't very interesting.

[Nabolion]

thanks guys for all your reviews.. i appreciate them and they helped me really out as i'm working to adjest them right now.. anyway.. ah.. the names.. well.. i was goin to change them anywa.. but you don't know how long it took me to do it.. well finally i've changed them and i ain't ever goin to change them again.. lol.. it's a pain in the ass.. well you can have a look at my profile under characters as i've changed a few things.. thanks again.. Peace.

[Xepher]

Please don't take offense, but is English your first language? If not, than there's a lot of probably useful tips you could use for the difference between it and your native language. Just taking the comment above I'd point out that English needs the first letter of each sentence capitalized. Likewise, sentences end with a single period. If you're trying to use an ellipsis (fancy word for "that to-be-continued dots thingy") then it's three periods/dots, not two. The word "I" is always capitalized (the English are an arrogant people it seems) and it's safe to put an apostrophe on the end of contractions like goin' and such. Lastly, spell check. Always, always spell check anything you intend for others to read, even if it's just an early draft. If you write on a typewriter or by hand, it's excusable, but in the modern era of computers, where even my web browser has a built-in spell checker, there's little excuse. It's especially rude when you're asking someone else to critique or give advice on your story. Why should they take THEIR time to help you improve, if you don't even care enough to do the basic spelling check yourself?

As for the names, I'll say this. Names ARE important. Even the title "baby-lon" sounds like a bad pun in English. If you mean it to be, that's fine. Otherwise, change it to the proper "Babylon" and be done with it. And to quote Babylon 5 (a great show by the way) "Names have meaning and words have power." So don't just arbitrarily change the names because someone complained about them, think about them ahead of time, make them fit the character. A writer who's really proud of what they've written would be insulted if someone suggested they change a name, because they'll have a very good reason for exactly why they picked that name.

As to the actual story, it still needs a good amount of regular proof reading. Just a quick glance shows me several points where subject-verb agreement fails. "His eyes can't believe what it's seeing" is particularly bad. First, his eyes can't "believe" it's the character himself that does the believing or not. "Eyes" implies more than one, but "it" is a singular verb. I could go on, but it would probably just seem crass at this point.

Please understand, I don't mean to be rude, but you asked for opinions and I'm trying to be honest. You have a LOT to work on and fix. I'd really suggest reading (professional) things that catch your interest, be they novels or manga. Don't just read other web manga, because a lot of them are poorly written and produced. Read some good books, and don't just enjoy the story, pay attention to the writing. Where's the writer putting commas, how do they show internal thoughts compared to spoken words? What tricks do they use to evoke emotion? You can learn a lot just by paying attention, and when you find a passage that you really like, analyze WHY you like it. Good luck!